Canadian Jewish Deli = Delicious Massive Indigestion

There's just been way too much hype about Mile End deli, so it had to be tried. And as expected, it was a lot of hype. I couldn't order more than one sandwich cause the posse wasn't with which was disappointing so I ordered the Smoked Meat sandwich. Thick handcut mix of lean and fatty pastrami on rye bread and mustard for $12. 

It was just a big hunk of indigestion!

The rye bread wasn't tasty, but when is it ever tasty, and the meat was iight. If I had a smoker I could definitely make better. The mustard was tangy and tasty though. Overall, I wasn't amused by the smoked meat sandwich that cost 45% more than my regular 2 roll sushi lunch special that comes with not only a miso soup but a side salad. I felt cheated and walked outta there with the worlds biggest indigestion. I'll probably be the only person who gives this sandwich a negative review, but I'm a renegade. 

Will I go back to Mile End? Absolutely maybe! 
Will I order the smoked meat sandwich again? When I'm with the posse and feel the need to fit in, absolutely maybe! 

CPK...an elegant establishment

Everyone's favorite memory of their teenage years involves either CPK or The Cheesecake Factory. I have recently been able to relive those glorious moments of my teenage years filled with thai chicken lettuce wraps. I put my fat pants on and trekked over with my posse ready to eat. But forget the food! CPK sells amamamazing Long Island Iced Tea's with topshelf liquor for a mere $9. And they are HUGE! If I were a guy in NYC, I'd for sure take a girl to CPK on a date. Cheap, delicious, you can share your huge portions of food so kinda sensual and the drinks are strong!!! Sexy time!!! Best of all, it's such an elegant establishment with great service. I want to be taken to Atelier de Joel Robuchon and nothing less, but just saying...if I were a guy and was going on a date I was iffy about...CPK. LURV!

Definition of the day

Jamie: The hottest girl in the whole wide world with a passion for satisfying her perverse appetite.

Man1: Whoa whoa whoa!!! Did you see that hot girl at TGIF?
Man2: Yeah! Her appetite was a total Jamie!!!
Man1: Totes! I'd have to be a baller to ask her out on a date...

The most important quality in life is passion. And obviously I am an extremely passionate person. Passionate about satisfying my perverse appetite. This can sometimes complicate my exceptionally fit physique. I came to a point this summer where a juice detox was unavoidable. So obviously I did the most difficult BluePrint Cleanse Level III Excavation detox. Because I'm an overachiever and hardcore. A mere 890 calories in raw liquid form for 3 days. This was the worst idea in the world! I never have bad ideas, but not gona lie. This was a very bad bad bad idea. The juices tasted like poo but worse and the one juice I was waiting to drink cause it's supposed to be the tastiest one...the cashew milk had the consistency and taste of jizz. Gross. For a $195, was this worth it? Hell no. But I did the detox for 3 days. Because I am no quitter. I then immediately ate some meat and bacon and boozed it up.

KFC Skinwich

What to have for lunch? This is my eternal dilemma. I am currently experiencing this dilemma right at this exact moment in time. I saw this KFC burger with 5 layers of juicy fried chicken skin. Something I definitely want to try. This actually looks really delicious, especially after a night of heavy drinking. Exactly what I will be doing tonight.

Some crazy people were sharing their 2 cents. Now, let's review one of them below.

"The web went a bit drool-crazy yesterday over the announcement of KFC’s latest contribution to barf-inducing culinary inventions, the KFC Skinwich" -www.thesmokingjacket.com

I'm really confused by this statement because how can this skinwich make people go drool-crazy but be barf-inducing simultaneously. To drool means to show excessive pleasure or anticipation of pleasure whereas barf is a term of disgust. This person obviously doesn't know what they're talking about. Or maybe their engrish just bery bad. The only emotion this sandwich can bring to anyone is extreme pleasure. This is a fact.

Mac and Cheese Dog Casserole

Everybody universally hates Rachael Ray. If they don't, they are obviously not the kind of people you'd want to hangout with.

I found this recipe online and it just sounded gross. Just like RR herself. Mac n Cheese Dog Casserole...I just had to try it so I can make more fun of RR and her disgusting ways of cooking.

 

I made it. And it was surprisingly not gawd awful but that was probably because I made it with my delicate little genius hands and used top quality hotdogs. The recipe was basically a cheap bechamel sauce with ketchup. I love ketchup. I love hotdogs. I also very much love mac and cheese. But I do not love Rachael Ray and her sacrilegious culinary ways. I might dislike her less if she didn't look so tubby. Meh...probably not. I take that back. She's annoying.

Brontosaurus Ribs

Summer is reminiscent of so many things to so many people. In my mind, summer evokes hedonism, gluttony and debauchery. But then again, spring, winter and fall are also seasons for extreme hedonism, gluttony and debauchery as well...

One thing the summer season is great for however, BBQ's!!! I love bbq's. The're fun, genial, messy, delicious and just gregarious events. I eat a lot of bbq meat. mostly ribs and sometimes sausages, and also attend many bbq parties. I sometimes even host bbq's myself because I'm just awesome like that.

I dragged some people to eat at this terrific bbq joint called Daisy May's one day. I don't joke around with my meat, especially when its been slow cooked to perfection and slathered in messy, finger linkin' good bbq sauce. While the other suckers ordered dinky little pulled chicken sammiches and small little eensie weensie spare ribs, I showed em how a real bbq master eater does it by ordering the Flintstones brontosaurus bone with 20 thousand ounces of tender succulent meat. Oh gawd it was so good. There was so much meat. It was so good. But the best part of the meal, was by far the intensely delicious mac and cheese. It was so ooey and gooey and almost like old people food. You'd scoop up a bite of it into your mouth and it'd just melt on your tongue. YUM!

And yup, I'm drinking a diet coke. Cuz I'm on a diet. Close up...I like close ups.

 The sides at this place is sickly delicious as well. I got the mac and cheese (obvious 1st choice) and the baked beans. The baked beans were soooooo good. Perfectly sweet enough but beany. I didn't eat much of the beans I got cuz I didn't wana be all farty going back to work. I threw out the styrofoam serving cup and repackaged the beans into a plastic container to be more eco-friendly and participate in sustainable sustainability. I put the beans in the fridge at work. 2 hours later, I open the fridge to eat my late afternoon office snack and some douchebag took my half eaten beans!!! The beans with all my saliva in it. Gross.

The Essential Beach List

Following up from my previous post, I found the essential list the pretty pretty princess made on how to be fabulous on the beach. The only piece of paper I had was my Citarella To Go paper bag. And I think I found a blue ball point pen buried in the sand. Someone probs pee'd on it and I touched it. Gross.

The Essential Beach List

 

So I sometimes eat real food. While my posse was driving out to the Hamptons, we stopped by Citarella and got some delicious panini's. I'm really into panini's these days. They are just so warm and ooey and gooey and warm and I don't need utensils and they are just so warm. I wasn't really hungry when we stopped. Or at least I thought I wasn't hungry. Until some Italian gentleman offered me a warm fresh buffalo mozzarella ball he had just made. I call him a gentleman because he gave me free food. Oh gawd it was so good and it totally wet my appetite. I was pretty much starving to death at this point. So I ordered the Romano panini to go. And it was so sick. So so good. It had prosciutto, arugula, sun dried tomatoes, provolone cheese with an olive tapenade spread. I scarfed half of it down my throat and then didn't feel well, so completely forgot about the other half. As we were doing stuff, the sandwich just hungout on the seat of a black car in the scorching heat. Then about 8 hours later, I was able to put it in a fridge. The next day, as my team went to the beach, we took our half eaten panini's. I once again, completely forgot about the sammich. Took it back to my place of shelter and it just hung out. In ambient temperature. The next day...so this is about 50hours later, I looked at the sandwich. And guess what, it still looked edible. I would have liked to have tried a bite to see if it still was kosher, but I was being scrutinized and criticized for being gross by the posse. So.......I threw it out. Very reluctantly...

This is what the sandwich looked like after 50 hours in 85degree weather. Totes edible. The French woulda eaten it. Probably even fought over it once it grew mold on it and fermented a bit. They like their food to be stinky. Stinkier the better. The French stink because they eat stinky food. It all makes sense now. I'm a genius.

How not to be Fabulous

Once there lived a pretty pretty princess. Summer was her favorite season and it was finally summer!!! AHHHHH! She was so excited! Summer meant lots of parties, tanning, drinking excessive amounts of champagne and just being fabulous! The pretty pretty princess was so excited for her summer seasons first fabulous getaway to Montauk. But once she got there, she found that her beach set up was far from fabulous. It was just ghetto and so blah.

The princess was so sad about the ghetto beach set up, so she started drinking. Because the princess is so wise, she knew that drinking would solve all her problems. But the only thing available was ambient temperature Miller Light with a fun vortex tip. The vortex tip was pretty cool, but it still wasn't fabulous. The pretty pretty princess remembered one of her many super fabulous weekends in St. Tropez where they served her champagne over tons of ice. Being so wise and nimble minded, the princess was able to hastily improvise with only a styrofoam cup and ice cubes. Macgyver style. The pretty pretty princess immediately filled up the styrofoam cup with ice and poured in her lukewarm beer into the cup. The beer was instantaneously ice cold and so refreshing. 

The princess was so much happier on the beach with the ice cold beer, although the set up was amazingly ghetto fabulous. The pretty pretty princess made a list of necessary things her minions need to buy for her next beach trip...

Some Weird Eating Habits of Americans #2

Nuts

Sometimes I get really hungry at work and want to keel over. But that wouldn't be a very professional move. So I reach for my Cheetos and scarf them down like the classy broad my parents always hoped I would grow up to be. 

I had a very strange conversation with someone the other day.

Jamie: (shoveling Cheetos down her throat covered in orange cheese powder)

Rando: Why are you not fat considering what you eat. You are what you eat.

Jamie: (a cool shrug and a sexy hair toss) Because these Cheetos have 0 grams of trans fat. It's like I'm losing weight as I eat. So I need to eat more.

Rando: Let me rephrase. Where does it all go?

Jamie: To my head.

Rando: Why don't you try eating some healthier options. Like nuts.

Jamie (eyes rolling) ...

True conversation. I swear.

I hate nuts. They make you farty and they are actually really fattening and caloric. One peanut is probably like 500 calories. I really hate every kind of nuts excluding the king of of nuts. Honey roasted peanuts that is! Everybody universally loves these. I never understood nuts in food...like Kung Pao Chicken??? What's that about. How am I supposed to eat it? Take a bite of the chicken and then a cashew? Or am I supposed to put it all in my mouth together? I just don't get it.

Speaking of nuts, Americans really seem to love trail mix. Gross. That's granola, nuts and dried fruit all mixed in one. All of those products individually  weren't repulsive enough that Americans decided one day, why don't we just combine all those ingredients to produce something totally revolting!

Some Weird Eating Habits of Americans #1

So, now that I work and actually work and interact with humans and not vampires, I get to survey peoples eating behavior...and American's by far have the weirdest eating habits. Yes, it is true that some Euro's eat animal organs and brain and my people eat dogs. North Koreans universally practice cannibalism. We've all seen the footage. But all these are tasty, delicious and does a body good. American's not only desire by enjoy eating food that has negative nutritional value and possess the taste and texture of dirt.

Power Bars and Apples

I do not much like to challenge myself physically, EVER. I don't mind a little mental challenge and stimulation because nothing really is a challenge to my superior intellect. And a little stimulation keeps me on my toes and sharp as a circle. So when I walked into a 4 hour meeting at work the other day and encountered someone who just came from running the Boston Marathon, I was in stunned silence. Not in awe or respek, but it was early in the morning and I hadn't had my coffee yet. The meeting was progressing smoothly and I was getting situated all nice and compfy about to think with my eyes closed, when all of a sudden I hear a really loud crackling. The marathon guy, looking typically marathony whips out a Clif bar. Yuck! I never understood people who ate those. Or Power Bars. Or Balance Bars. I've tried them all, obviously out of curiosity because I'm a curious knowledge seeker the way any double Ivy Leager is trained to be, and they all universally taste like dirt. With the exception of Luna Bars. But this was implied. He ate half then put it away, obviously because it tastes bad but wanted to show off that he was a runner and needed energy. Then proceeded to tell me how famished he was and started chomping on a granny smith apple. Gross. The only acceptable snacking apples are Fuji. I know things like this because I am a cesspool of useless information. The apple made a lot of noise and I just couldn't focus. I get very easily distracted. It was just rude. The he finished off his Clif bar. Americans sometimes eat the weirdest grossest things. I think if I ever did run a marathon, which I would never because I'm not crazy, I'd probably eat a 10lbs steak wrapped in bacon and deep fried with a buttermilk batter dipped in mayonnaise slathered in Peter Lugars horseradishy sauce!